Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
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[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.