We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
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me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again