A Match(.com), but for socks.
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Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
car not found
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
There’s never enough good news
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.