*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
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I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Cat is stressing him out.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?