How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
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Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I wanna be friends with this person
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
reviewed some movies recently
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.