Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
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Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no