me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.