You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
You Might Also Like
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Actually cracking up @ this
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to