Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
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My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.