We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Hey Fugeddaboutit
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
this is the best interaction on twitter
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…