Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
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Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s