The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
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*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
This is why I hate group projects
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Ironic
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.