Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
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Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Whoa 😂
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.