When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
You Might Also Like
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
me after eating Cheetos
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
she has a point
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?