I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”