The 4 stages of a family vacation
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Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*