If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
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Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does