My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
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I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice