Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides