I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
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That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture