When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
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Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
mom gave me mine for free
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.