Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
This is the best one I’ve seen
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT