Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
You Might Also Like
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?