I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
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The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.