A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
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Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired