Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
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Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Note to self: I am a note
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.