The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
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Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
“Huge”.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.