Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
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Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?