The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
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Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
How does one answer this?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.