“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
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*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir