IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
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I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
More like Kate Missington.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay