ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
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Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]