We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
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“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
British websites use biscuits.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Who does Amazon think I am?
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
They’re on their honeymoon