My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
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My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I’ll be mad as hell!
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope