Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
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I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
britain’s three elite institutions
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
All set.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French