The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Tuesday
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children