Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
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[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
*exercises sarcastically*
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much