Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
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Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt