Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
You Might Also Like
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival