Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
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[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.