My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
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[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.