if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
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“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
The Book. The Movie.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”