I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
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Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I want what they have
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I am patiently waiting for your email
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.