strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
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Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
my fav colour is also hitler
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard