I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
You Might Also Like
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.