[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
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I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*