Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
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I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.