My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
my favorite genre of twitter
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.