‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
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*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.