It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
You Might Also Like
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
what?
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.